In My Head: Episode 2

I’ll just get to the point. Maybe it’s the rain and dark skies outside that are putting me in a funk today, but whatever it is needs to stop. I was at my computer, happy and singing and now I’m just irritated. I have maintained a small blog on Tumblr for a few years and I really like it but they need to seriously get their shit together. It’s fucking stupid that when u follow someone it has to be from the blog you initially began with. 

What’s the fucking point?!? 

I mean, seriously? I especially love when I someone follows my fitness (I’m trying to get healthier) blog and then gets upset cause they think I didn’t follow them too. I fucking did! However, thanks to Tumblr, YOU WOULDNT KNOW THAT! Mainly because it’s not my ” main ” blog so I’m following from a different name all together. Hell, I think this is like that too though right? I have a secondary here but it just lays dormant. 

Sorry for this ranting but I just needed to vent it out 😦 

Manic Monday #2

I feel this was a lot. I always have. I’ve always felt like I’ve had to talk a little louder, a little faster and be more elaborate than most. This is something else I’m hoping I can work through over time and find a way to be heard and know it!

Remember: You deserve all the love in the world.

Daydreaming 

 Sometimes I get involved with what I’m reading, watching or even fantasizing about. It’s so easy for me to read a book and fall in love; in love with its places, it’s characters, it’s cheesy romance, hilarious comedy and tearful sorrows. The only problem is that sometimes I find myself daydreaming about being them. About running off to some place and being someone completely different than who I am. 

I know that I have a long road ahead before I’ll be mentally and physically happy but I hopeful. I’m hopefully that slowly, one day at a time, I’ll keep getting to know myself again. That I’ll eventually be the girl I used to be. The girl who loved herself more than anyone ever could and made people sick with it!

One day at time. It will all fall into place eventually. It has to.

Remember: You deserve all the love in the world.

Distractions

Tonight this is mine.

I enjoy crocheting because it takes my mind away from whatever is bothering me in my head. Tonight I’m working on a Swiffer cover! I feel exhausted lately and haven’t been sleeping well at all. 

Maybe I should set a new bedtime?

It wasn’t long ago that I woke up at 5:00a, worked out from 5:30 – 7:00a, worked at the doctors office from 7:45 – 6:00, ran errands, did adulting,  talked to my love and went to bed at 11:00p or sometimes later just to get up and do it all over again. The thing is, I never felt this way. 

Is this what depression is all about? If so, I really do hate it. Therefore, I’ll just keep working this yarn until my mind is focused on my finished product. 

In My Head: Episode 1

Last night after making dinner I left the kitchen to cool off a bit and told the husband that he could start without me. A few moments later I joined him in the kitchen to get my plate ready and he moved to the other counter because he said he wanted to have more room. Now, he wasn’t being mean, he didn’t change his tone of voice or body language with me and in his defense, our kitchen is pretty small.

However, in my head the conversation was more like this,

” That’s right. You’re in his way. You’re a huge cow and all you do is make everyone around you miserable. Why don’t you lose more weight and stop being such a fat ass? Fuck, you’re so pathetic. “

It was about that time that he knew what I was doing so he immediately started explaining that he had had his plate on the edge and didn’t want to cause a mess and it wasn’t me at all. It was already too late though. He asked if I was upset and I did what I have always done when asked, I lied. ” Of course I’m fine honey! I’m just getting my stuff ready and I’m still kinda hot. ” Sigh. After 15 minutes or so I finally shut my inside self up and enjoyed the rest of my night as much as I could.

Surely I am not the only person who does this? Overthinking has always been a part of me and trying to break the cycle seems like an impossible task but I’ll keep doing the best I can and hey..

Don’t forget.. You deserve all the love in the world ❤

This Just In: I’m Not Elsa!

Therefore, you won’t see me frolicking through the woods,(or ice castle) your local grocery store or even bumping ” Let it Go ” in my car.

Why? Simply because, I CAN’T let it go.

I always thought that not being able to let things go made me a bad person. Then, I had a boyfriend who continually told me to, ” stop living in the past, let it go, move on, get over it ” etc. but I can’t. I remember a time in third grade. I went to an after school program where we played and swam and basically just hung out until our parents were off work to come get us. Anywho, I was maybe 8 or 9 when an art teacher called me out in class to inform me to stop what I was doing because it wasn’t nice. I also remember feelings of embarrassment for being called out, confusion for what I’d done and an overwhelming feeling to disappear.

What bothers me most about this memory is that to this day I remember asking her repeatedly through the afternoon, what had I done? However, the answer I was continually given was, ” you know what you did “, but I never did know and still don’t. My best guess now is that because there were so many kids and a few shared my name, that maybe she was mistaken? Maybe she meant another girl with my name? She was new so, maybe she didn’t realize I was an innocent party?

The point is, that happened roughly 22 years ago and I still can’t let it go. In looking online recently I’ve noticed that this is a common trait with anxiety and depression. Maybe it’s something that over time I can learn to overcome but until then, you won’t see me performing as Elsa anytime soon ❤️

In My Head: Intro

This segment will serve as more of a journal for me on a day to day or event to event basis. 

On Mondays I’ll be sharing diary entries that I’ve written when I’m having an anxiety attack but sometimes I don’t need as much ” on the spot ” venting. Therefore, I feel that adding this new area will be a good outlet for myself to just explain what’s going on in my head in general. Whether it be a meltdown, a happy moment or anything else that I feel I want to share.

As I become more acquainted with my blog and more relaxed then I’ll try to sort these into different pages 🙂

Remember: You deserve all the love in this world ❤️

I Bee Leaf In You!

I really do. 

I mean, look at your smile, those beautiful eyes and who couldn’t love your laugh?! You can do anything that you open your heart and mind to. I know it seems like you may never get there, that the road ahead is always under construction, but that’s simply not true. You’re an amazing person and I love you and I believe you, so head out there and make today the best that it can be.

One day at a time. That’s the trick.

Weather Report

Moving from a hot, humid, southern region to a cold, dry northern region wasn’t what I expected. Winter for 3 months vs Winter for 8 months. You tell me who you think the winner is.

Needless to say, when winter hit me so did something else that I’ve never experienced, Seasonel Affective Disorder. It was unlike anything I’ve ever felt and has left me in a haze of confusion and emotions.

This article is from last year but I feel like the points in it are really great and hold important information. I found it on Bustle.com and the article itself can be accessed through this link, 6 Scientific ways weather affects your mood.

The sun just came out so I better take advantage of it 🙂 check back often!